The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

Doubleday – 2003
Perhaps the single most important text in all occult literature?
Definitely. Here’s a little code for you to solve. For proof of this book’s brilliance, check the publication date of this post.

I actually read the Da Vinci Code last year. It wasn’t as bad as I expected; it’s very easy to read, and it got me through 2 quiet days at work. I quite enjoyed the first half of it, but it starts to get fairly repetitive towards the end when everything is turning out to be some kind of stupid code. It’s pretty cool to talk about how much this book sucks, so I won’t bother. I’ll just give it a 3.5/10.

What about the concept behind it though? Is there any truth in here? Well as per usual, there is a little truth in every conspiracy theory. It is April 1st, and you might presume that what you’re about to read is a hoax or a joke, but I assure you that every word that you are about to read is true and verifiable. I will even provide links to my sources. My friends, the information I am about to divulge is shocking; I have cracked the code:

1. The Da Vinci Code is based on a theory that Jesus had a family, and that his bloodline has survived in secrecy under the protection of secret societies.

2. This idea was largely popularized in a book called Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh, and Henry Lincoln. Dan Brown specifically references this text in his own novel.

3. In Holy Blood, Holy Grail, the authors put forward a hypothesis, that the historical Jesus married Mary Magdalene, had one or more children, and that those children or their descendants emigrated to what is now southern France. Once there, they intermarried with the noble families that would eventually become the Merovingian dynasty.*

4. The Normans were the people who gave their name to Normandy, a region in northern France. They were descended from Viking conquerors of the territory and the native Merovingian culture.*

5. In May 1169, Ireland was invaded by the Normans. Many Normans settled in Ireland.

6. I ‘m Irish.

7. My hair, eyes and complexion are darker than most Irish people. I have often been mistaken for a foreigner in my own country.

8. With over 230,000 people holding the surname Martin in France, it is the most common French surname.*

9. My second name is Martin.

Those are actual facts. I’ll let you come to your own conclusion. Of course, the conclusion of anyone with any shred of intelligence would be that I am the direct descendant of Jesus Christ. It doesn’t really surprise me to be honest; I’ve always felt like I was better than everyone else. And I don’t mean better in any one specific way; I mean better in general.

There’s further evidence to suggest that I am descended from the Merovingian Kings:

10. The origins of the frequency  of the name Martin in France can be attributed to Saint Martin of Tours, who was the most popular French saint.*

11. Part of Saint Martin’s cloak is preserved as a relic in the oratory of the Merovingian kings of the Franks at the Marmoutier Abbey near Tours.*

12. Saint Martin was a Christian Saint living in the South of France between the supposed arrival of Christ’s descendants in France and the Norman invasion of Ireland.

So we know that Saint Martin was down with the Merovingians. These Merovingians were very likely amongst the thousands of French people that took his name; it draws less attention than introducing yourself as Mr. Christ. My guess is that they took his name, and came over to Ireland for a bit of refuge. They settled there, and somewhere along the way, they lost track of their secret. Well, I have finally cracked the code, and I am ready to be recognized as the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of God himself.

(*I copied this text from wikipedia. The nature of these claims is so basic and uncontroversial that I find it appropriate to use wikipedia as a source here. The facts are easily verified elsewhere by anyone with any interest.)
Wiki Article for Holy Blood, Holy Grail
Wiki Article for Normans
Wiki Article for Norman Invasion of Ireland
Wiki Article for name Martin
Wiki Article for Saint Martin

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