Robert Johnson’s The Satanic Warlock: A Pickup Manual for Fedora Goths

The Satanic Warlock – Robert Johnson

A few years ago, I tried read Anton LaVey’s The Satanic Witch. It was terrible nonsense, and I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. One of the reasons I wanted to read it was because I had heard of a ludicrously cringeworthy book that was basically its sequel, Robert Johnson’s The Satanic Warlock. The Satanic Warlock is a pick-up manual for Satanists, a book telling you how to attract women in a Satanic fashion. The idea is so ridiculous that I had to read it.

This book was atrocious. I am extremely unqualified to rate advice on flirting and seduction, but even I could tell that this was 90% awful. The only things that the author got right were the most basic rules of personal hygiene and composure (washy washy bumbum and no rapey).

It starts with an unbearably wordy intro from Peter H. Gilmore, the current leader of the Church of Satan. This is followed by a prologue in which the author boasts about how he has had a lot of sex and how he is like Frank Sinatra. Oh, and apparently he worked with Hans Holzer.

Chapter 1
The intro chapter is where the incel vibes really get going. The author needlessly boasts about how much he hates political correctness and feminism. He goes on to boast about how being a warlock is so cool. He likes boasting. He also likes to make girls pee their pants. Being a warlock is all about believing in yourself and projecting confidence. The author claims you should make a confidence den where you hang pictures of the people you want to be like. When the author was making his confidence den, the doorbell rang. It was a female mail carrier. His vibes were so strong that she came in and sex with him. Sure…

There’s an attempt here to define what a warlock is. Realistically, the people who fit the descriptions here are not the kind of people who are reading the book. The people who fit the descriptions also seem like a bunch of assholes. I would be surprised if the author of this book doesn’t wear a fedora.

Chapter 2
This chapter is about the satanic warlock “archetypes”. There are a few that you can choose from: the occultist, the rake, the metal musician… Imagine and act like you are one of these, and you will be drowning in pussy. This chapter includes pictures of the various archetypes. These pictures are without a doubt the funniest part of the book, and they are what convinced me to read it in the first place. I would post them here, but the tumblr where I originally saw them has been taken down, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this happened due to copyright reasons. An entirely different author threatened to take me to court recently for posting images from his book and leaving a mean review, so I will not be posting any pictures from The Satanic Warlock. If you really want to see them, Internet Archive still has a capture of the original tumblr post. It also has the entire tumblr account in all its hilarious glory.

There’s a section at the end of this chapter providing a list of “cool” names that you can use to introduce yourself. One of them is “Mormo”.

Chapter 3
Confidence is important. Looks don’t matter much, and dick size is almost irrelevant. This was a bit of a relief to me, especially after the author used the phrase “the Irish curse”. I had never heard of this curse before. I am Irish, and most of the penises I have seen in real life have been Irish; I don’t have many points of comparison, and I honestly didn’t know our penises were infamously short. I always thought my 2.5 inches (while hard) was about average. Luckily for me, the author includes some excellent advice for those of us who weren’t blessed with perfectly masculine bodies:

“Why not forget looks entirely and publish a book of your love poetry or learn to play the lute?”
p. 54

Chapter 4 – Style tips
In this chapter, the author warns all warlocks to avoid wearing shorts unless they’re trying out for a part in the Little Rascals or live on the equator. Soon thereafter, he goes on to claim that “flowing silk pirate shirts and heavy leather boots create a sexy swashbuckling image.” Does anyone believe this is true? I am certain that at least 95% of all of the adult women I know would go for a guy in a pair of shorts over some wanker in a pirate shirt.

There is some good advice in this chapter. The author advises his readers to wash their willy and bum and to brush their teeth and cut their fingernails.

Chapter 5
Be powerful Challenge bullies “mano a mano”. Honestly, anyone who reads this book in earnest will get their ass kicked 100% of the time they follow this advice.

Chapter 6 – Seduction
This chapter features a diagram showing women’s priorities. It lists taste in music as number 3 and intelligence as number 8. Is anyone stupid enough to believe this nonsense? Did the author get this information by surveying a group of teenage girls outside of a Hot Topic?

This chapter also contains a section about how chicks dig sweaty dudes:

“In the throes of passion, some women have said that they can “release their inner slut” when their nose is in close contact with a man’s penis, testicles and anus, often taking deep breaths to amp up the lust.”
p. 118

Chapter 7 – Sex Magic
Sex magic is basically bullshit, but it works if it’s satanic enough and you have pentagrams and cool devilly shit around you. It probably works as well with a realdoll as it does with a person too, so that’ll be good news for most of the readers of this book.

Chapter 8 – The Gay Warlock
There’s a 10 page chapter on gay warlocks that says nothing of any interest. At least it’s not hateful.

This book is bizarre. Despite it’s very specific nature, it is considered part of the official canon of Church of Satan literature. I suppose this isn’t too surprising. It’s not remotely hard to believe that most male members of the Church of Satan have a hard time attracting a mate. The author holds a Ph.D. in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Sounds impressive, right? The IASHS was a non-accredited institution that was basically shut down because it was unable to meet the minimum requirements of the California Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education. I don’t have a Ph.D. in human sexuality, but I can still give all you little frigids one excellent piece of advice if you want to get laid: don’t take this book seriously.

Anton LaVey’s The Satanic Witch

Anton LaVey – The Satanic Witch
Feral House – 1989 (Originally published at The Compleat Witch in 1971)

I read the Satanic Bible in January 2014. I originally bought a copy to leave on my coffee table when guests were over as a joke. When I read it, I was amused by much of it but never took it too seriously.

I’ve changed quite a bit since 2014. I got married, became a father and got a real job. I suppose I’ve grown up. I don’t think of myself as a particularly good person, and I think it is everyone’s responsibility to prioritise their own well being, but I have no time for anyone who fails to see the importance of treating others with patience and kindness. I have also spent more than a sensible amount of time posting in “satanic” message groups on facebook over the last few years, and almost every Satanist I have encountered has been an utter imbecile.

The world has changed since 2014 too, almost definitely for the worst. I know that politicians have always been awful, but the political leaders and decisions of the last few years have largely been horrible. A philosophy based on greed and hedonism seems the exact opposite of what the world needs right now.

All of these factors have led me to the conclusion that The Church of Satan and its followers are a gang of dorks. Despite this, I decided to read Anton La Vey’s The Satanic Witch. This book’s cover boasts that it is designed for “women cunning and crafty enough to employ the working formulas within, which instantly surpass the entire catalogue of self help tomes and new age idiocies.” Bullshit. It’s designed for insecure losers who don’t value their individuality.

I had heard that this was embarrassing nonsense, but I wasn’t quite prepared for how stupid it truly is. The 1989 edition begins with an introduction by Zeena LaVey, the author’s daughter. Zeena claims that she became a Satanic Witch at the age of 3 and discusses how she learned that sex could be used as a tool while she was still a child. She talks about looking at her father’s porno magazines as a kid and how she got pregnant when she was 13, two years after she first read The Satanic Witch. These details are provided in attempt to depict Zeena as sexually liberated, but their real effect is to make Anton look like a seriously shitty parent. How are we supposed to take his book of advice for “women who want more control over their lives” seriously when he was such an atrociously irresponsible father? Even a shit father probably cares more about his kid than a stranger, and if LaVey couldn’t prevent his child from getting raped and impregnated at 13, how will he be able to do anything for anyone else? (I know that you shouldn’t blame a rape victim’s parents for their being attacked, but I think its different when the parent is giving their child access to pornography and books on sexual manipulation.)

I managed to get through the first few chapters of ridiculously outdated mysogonistic nonsense, but I gave up when I got to the “LaVey Personality Synthesizer”. LaVey sets out a range of people and shows which type of partner these folks will be compatible with. He writes as if he was an expert psychologist, but we all know he was just a baldy wanker.

I was going to try to paraphrase the sections of the book that I got through, but it’s too excruciating. There’s no sense to any of this utter hogswash. The only thing this pathetic pile of shit will teach anyone is what kind of women dorky little fuckboys like the author are attracted to.

Part of my reason for tryjng to read this pile of crap was that I had heard of a book called The Satanic Warlock that is essentially an updated version of this book intended for the incel crowd. I am still curious about reading this one even though I am sure it’s even worse than The Satanic Witch. Part of my motivation to review The Satanic Warlock is to write a mean spirited review that will hopefully hurt the feelings of the author and his readers, but as Anton LaVey is dead, I have no such impetus to delve any further into his work.

This is the first book of non-fiction that I have discussed this year, and it was a real stinker. If anyone has any recommendations for occult/Fortean/weird non-fiction books that don’t absolutely suck, please send them my way!

On a separate note, yesterday marked the 6 year anniversary of my first post on this blog. I’ve written more than 300 posts and reviewed roughly 450 books. Here’s the list of everything I’ve covered. Thanks for reading!

Keep Politics out of Satanism!

Organized Satanism’s tendency to align itself with political movements is lame. Satanism should be about the celebration of evil and the performance of heinous deeds of malevolence. Dorky satanists’ attempts to politicise their movements are pathetic.

I know there are countless Satanic sects, but the two biggest groups of organized Satanists are the Church of Satan and the Satanic Temple, and both have ridiculous links to politics.

The Church of Satan

The Church of Satan is all about individualism. You don’t need to adhere to any specific lifestyle or political belief system to become a member. That being said, the philosophy behind this “religion” is based on the writings of Ayn Rand, and it’s largely about maximising one’s own power at the expense of others. This focus has attracted countless right wing wankers. LaVey, the organization’s founder, fraternized with James Madole and several other neo-fascists. In the 80s, several members of the Church of Satan appeared on Race and Reason, a talk show hosted by Neo-Nazi Tom Metzger. Now, I know that a few members of an organization being Nazis doesn’t make every member of that organization a Nazi, but one of the guys I’m talking about was later asked to become the organization’s leader. I don’t actually believe that every member of the Church of Satan is a white supremacist, but I do believe that most of the members get a kick out of their religion’s nebulous connections with neo-fascism. They’re Satanists for fuck’s sake; they love being associated with scary stuff. (CoS’s links with right wing scum are well documented elsewhere. Google it if you want more information.)

I don’t think that the Church of Satan is a hate-group or anything like that. I just think its members are nerdy virgins who were bullied at school and spend the rest of their lives trying to seem dangerous. They’re too wimpy to actually do anything, so they just flirt with Nazi imagery on their tumblr blogs. Lame.

The Satanic Temple

By now, I think the Satanic Temple (TST) probably has more members than the Church of Satan. This organization promotes progressive ideas of social justice and that kind of thing, and I think a lot of stuff that TST does is kinda cool. I just dislike its members as individuals, and I think the whole thing of Satan being the good guy is silly.

Satanism, regardless of what brand, has to be a little bit naughty. It’s named after Satan, the adversary of God. Satan doesn’t follow the rules. He’s not supposed to do the right thing. If not the antagonist, he is at very least a trickster. Inviting Satan to the battle against conservative Christians is fair game, but what about invoking him to protect Muslim refugees in the USA?

I am NOT saying that I disagree with welcoming and protecting Muslim refugees. Islam is an Abrahamic religion, and the Shaitan (an evil spirit) tempts Adam in the story of the Garden of Eden as told in the Quran. Somehow I don’t think many Muslims are going to feel comforted when greeted with the following image:

Satnic Solidarity with the Muslim community in North America

I didn’t make that image myself. I found it in a TST facebook discussion group a few years ago. Check out the replacement of the star with the pentagram. Is that blasphemous? Some well-meaning Satanist was making these images to share online. Here’s another one:

Satanic Solidarity with the Jewish community

The name Satan comes from a Hebrew word meaning accuser. Satan first appears as a specific entity in the Torah, and he plays an important role in the beliefs and sacred texts of Judaism. Some fucking idiot has placed an upside-down pentagram, the symbol of Satan, inside the star of David. How fucking oblivious can you be?

Of course, this isn’t the first time that somebody decided to mix Satanic imagery with Jewish symbolism. Here’s an image from the July 1938 edition of Der Stürmer, the Nazi tabloid.

This kind of hateful nonsense even predates the Nazis. During the medieval period Christian leaders put a lot of effort into linking Satan to the Jewish people. I have no doubt that the individual who posted the Satanic Solidarity images meant well, but Jesus Christ, what an ignorant fucking imbecile.

I made the following image myself and posted it in the same thread as the two above. I was kicked out that facebook group shortly after.

No. Making Satan the good guy is dumb.

the act of taking or using things from a culture that is not your own, especially without showing that you understand or respect this culture
Cambridge

the unacknowledged or inappropriate adoption of the customs, practices, ideas, etc. of one people or society by members of another and typically more dominant people or society
Oxford Languages

the adoption or co-opting, usually without acknowledgment, of cultural identity markers associated with or originating in minority communities by people or communities with a relatively privileged status.
Dictionary.com

Cultural appropriation is a favourite topic of some modern progressives. Regardless of how problematic you think it is, I’m sure you’ll agree that all three of the above definitions of cultural appropriation apply to the Satanic Temple’s adoption of Satan as a symbol for progressive values. Oh the irony! Satan is a character, a force and a symbol from Jewish and Christian belief systems that has been willfully misunderstood and transformed into a force of benevolence by a bunch of geeks wearing black nail varnish. There are obviously more Christians than these progressive Satanists, but the language used to describe the appropriators as being “relatively privileged” or “typically dominant” doesn’t really create a contradiction. TST looks edgy on the surface, but its values are actually pretty close to those of the majority of people living in the Western World. Their beliefs are (thankfully) dominant here at this point. The benevolent Satan of TST is an abhorrent corruption of the evil Satan of the Abrahamic religions.

I want to reiterate that I think that some of what TST does is actually pretty cool. I just think a lot of its members are clueless weiners. The above images are just one example of the kind of wishy-washy, goody-two-shoes nonsense that I witnessed in TST facebook groups before deactivating my account. (I want to make it very clear that I definitely prefer these harmless geeks to the nasty little rape glorifiers of the Church of Satan.)

Satanism is inherently dumb, and any attempts to codify it are bound to turn out lame. A true Satanist serves Satan; they shouldn’t try to tame the Dark Lord and have him spout their political dogma or make excuses for it. The only viable form of Satanism is the performance of atrocious deeds of unspeakable evil. Snarl at the moon, abuse yourself, spit blasphemous obscenities in the faces of believers and revel in your acts of unholy destruction (preferably all at once), but please keep your political beliefs for lunchtime conversations at work like a normal person.