There’s a few authors of the lowest form of magical literature that I have revisited several times over the years. Their work is generally so bad that there’s little to distinguish it from the work of their peers. Before starting another book by Marcus T. Bottomley this morning, I looked back on my blog to remind myself of the crap I’ve read by him. Dark Rites and Encounters with the Devil and 9 Proven Magical Rites had one thing in common apart from being awful. The spells in each of them both utilized piss. Marcus T. Bottomley is the piss guy.
So this week’s book is a collection of 20 rituals to help you get some money. I’m saving up for a holiday this summer, and some extra cash would be useful, so this book seemed quite appealing. Most of the rites herein are boring and stupid. There’s one where you hammer nails into some trees and expect that this will bring you wealth. Fortunately, 3 of the 20 rites involve piss.
1. The First Friday Rite is very simple. You basically just hose some candles in your piss and then dip them into some cinnamon sugar before lighting them.
10. The Sunrise and Urine Rite
Piss in a cup and then splash it around your garden when the sun comes up. You’ll soon be rich!
20. The Money-Hand Voodoo Rite
Piss in a bottle and keep it under your bed for good luck.
There’s another one, rite 5, where you go to a crossroads at night and “drop an egg”. (I assume that “dropping an egg” is a euphemism for doing a poo.) After you drop your smelly egg, a spirit will appear and give you good financial advice.
I also found rite 11 quite strange.
11. The Sulphur Rite to Draw more Customers into a Shop
Close all the doors and windows of your shop and then burn some sulphur. This will attract people into your shop. For a lot of these rituals, my brain was on autopilot, but something about this one broke me out of my stupor. I did a quick google search for “smell burning sulphur” and this short video was the first result. Pretty funny that Bottomley is telling small business owners to do this. You really have to wonder if he is deliberately trying to sabotage his readers.
At this stage, I’ve read enough of Marcus T. Bottomley’s magical rites to have a decent feel for his kind of powerful magic. I’m going to try to combine and tweak a few of these rituals in the pursuit of monetary gain. I’m currently drinking a large pitcher of water. After it has filtered through my kidneys, I’ll hold the fluid in my bladder for half an hour. Then I will perform the cinnamon challenge while holding a silver coin in my left hand. To end such a ritual, I will take my small willy in my other hand, aim it at my face and then do a big hot wee wee all over myself. I’m sure to be a billionaire soon!
Nocturnal Revelries 