Tag: finbarr publications

Turn Invisible and Invite God over for Tea: Graeme D. Brown’s Invisibility: Also The Evocation of God

I’ve had a pretty mad week, and I put all of my reading time into finishing Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood. It was a pretty good book, but it’s a bit far removed from the theme of this blog. To make sure I got a post out this week, I sat down last night and read another pamphlet from Finbarr Publications. This one was of an even lower quality than their usual fare.

Invisibility; Also The Evocation of God
A Magickal Treatise by The Master Desilius
Graeme D. Brown (2006)

The text is split into 2 parts. The first is a spell to become invisible.

The introduction to this section is baffling. It claims that true invisibility is impossible, but it also states that the author’s method of turning invisible shrouds the magician in a cloak of darkness which renders them invisible. It then warns that the invisibility ceremony should not be used “just whenever one wants to”, but in the very next sentence the ceremony is described as a “method which can always be used.”

Part One of the text outlines the author’s philosophy of existence. It’s extremely stupid. He gets very wishy-washy, talking about dimensions of reality. It’s absolute bullshit that ends with the claim that the only way forward is to perform Satanic rituals to tame demons to stop them from interfering with our thoughtforms.

Part Two focuses on developing your chakras so you can better control your thoughtforms so they don’t turn into poltergeists.

Part 3: don’t wank or have sex for a few weeks, then perform a Satanic ritual that summons a demon to give a ring the power of invisibility. Be careful that the demon doesn’t hypnotize and kill you.

It might seem like I’ve left big parts out or completely misunderstood the text here, but I really haven’t. It’s actually that stupid. It makes no sense at all.

In the second text, the author gives instructions on how to evoke God. We’re not talking a demon or a spirit here. This is the big one, the actual creator of the universe. The instructions are poorly written scraps that have been cobbled together from other magical texts. They’re so silly they’re not even worth summarizing. It’s about 10 pages of crap that only the most mentally deficient moron could take seriously. I’m not even being mean. This is extremely silly garbage.

This “Magickal Treatise” was quite disappointing. There was no effort put into the writing here. Spells to turn invisible and to evoke the creator of the universe should be more entertaining than this. Also, I am not sure why the author refers to himself as “Master Desilius in the book’s title. A more apt appellation would have been “Graeme D. Brownfingers”*.

*He has brown fingers because pickypicky bumbum.

Cliff R. Stevens’ How To Attain Anything You Want Through Mind Visualisations!

Finbarr Book Promotions – 1980

I was originally planning to post about a different book today, but then I discovered a 600 page sequel that I felt I should read before posting about it, so I had to read something quick to get a post done on time for the weekend. I haven’t had to resort to reading anything from Finbarr in almost a year, and I know that I probably say this every time, but I genuinely think this was the worst one yet.

The general idea here is that if you think about getting the things you want, you will get them. The message of this book is dumb, but the amount of effort put into pushing this message is minimal. Cliff R. Stevens treats his readers like the morons they definitely are. I have summarised the entire text below.

If you want to get a thing, you must really want the thing. This is 2/3s of the work.
For 10 minutes after work and 10 minutes before bed, think of getting the thing you want. If this approach doesn’t work it’s your fault. Don’t blame the Occult.

Don’t give up, and don’t be dirty and visualise somebody else’s wife. Also, don’t worry about this approach working or not because doubts interfere with the magnetism of your desires. Unfortunately, this approach might not work well with personal health problems because they cloud the mind and interfere with visualisation. It’s ok to visualize material things because God wants us to have things. that’s why he made them.

There you have it. Pure crap. The only part of this book that I found easy to swallow was when the author stated:

Ne’er a truer word spoken.

Urinate in My Footsteps: Marcus T. Bottomley’s 9 Proven Magickal Rites

Finbarr – 1988

I’ve been reading lots recently, but the way things lined up, I found myself without anything to post this week. I had a quick look through the archives and found this, a 17 page pamphlet of magickal rites from Finbarr Publications. It’s terrible. I reviewed another book by its author a few years ago. I recalled it being terrible too, but I actually forgot how much of it revolved around piss until I reread my review of it moments ago. Thankfully, 9 Proven Magickal Rites also relies heavily on the use of urine as a magickal tool.

Here are the main rites described in the book:

  1. To break up a relationship without having to deal with awkward conversations, find your partner’s footprint and fill it with piss.
  2. If you want to attract money, take a bath, but mix some sugar and white lead into the water before you get into it. I thought that maybe white lead was just a misleading name like “fools gold” or something, but minimal research shows that white lead is highly toxic and does cause lead poisoning.
  3. If you want something, anything really, go to a crossroads and say the Our Father while looking at your feet.
  4. To stop a person coming back into your house, flick some sulphur and black pepper at their back as they leave. I would have thought keeping your door closed would be easier, but I’m clearly no wizard.
  5. Piss into a bottle containing your partner’s pubic hairs and bury it your garden. Your partner will never leave you. If you put some nails into the bottle they will become your servant.

Now you may be confused as to why I have only listed 5 rites when the title of the book is 9 Proven Magickal Rites. Well, there are 5 chapters in the book, each focusing on a different magickal procedure, but some of these procedures have variations, and there are actually 13 distinct rites described in the book. (Chapters 2 and 5 have 5 rites each.) No matter what way I counted these, I could not arrive at the number 9.

I’ve read more than a few titles from Finbarr over the years, and I am consistently shocked by their lack of quality, cohesion and moral standards. I sincerely struggle to imagine how this publisher remained active for multiple decades. This book is about taking a bath in lead water and pissing on your sweetheart’s pubes. I read another one from Finbarr about Hitler waggling his mickey in the mirror. Is this some kind of post-modern art project?

Sorry dear readers. Hopefully it will be a while before I have to resort to Finbarr again.

Secret Magic Spells of the Romany Gypsies and Fascination – A Feast of Finbarr

I was pretty lazy with reading this week, so here’s a post on two more awful magical pamphlets from Finbarr Publications, publisher of the worst magical texts ever printed.

secret magic spells of the romany gypsiesSecret Magic Spells of the Romany Gypsies – C. McGiolla Cathain & M. McGrath
Finbarr -1993

Secret Magic Spells of the Romany Gypsies purports to be a collection of authentic gypsy spells for love, money and revenge. It’s a load of shit. All of the spells in here look something like this:

For this spell, all you need is a green candle and a picture of your true love. First, thoroughly rub the tip of the candle against your anus. Then Light the candle and let some of the wax drip on the photograph while uttering the following incantation;

“Tweedly diddly fiddly dum,
Fiddeldy diddeldy widdeldy wee,
Boomboom bumbum bambam bum
So mote it be”

You will marry your true love within a month.

The spells take up roughly half of the text. The rest is made up of anecdotes of these spells being used succesfully. I’ve noticed a similar approach in quite a few other books from Finbarr publications, but the stories in here are particularly unconvincing. One of the characters is referred to only as “B.S.”. I can’t shake the feeling that this was the authors cryptically confessing to feeding their audience complete and utter bullshit.

 

fascination master count de leonFascination – Master Count de Leon
Finbarr – 2015

Fascination is the shortest pamphlet I’ve read from Finbarr, and it’s probably the most absurd. The actual text is barely 7 pages long. The first 5 of these pages are spent praising Adolph Hitler, and the last 2 describe a ritual that you can use to become more like Adolph. The ritual consists of wagging your dick at your reflection in a mirror while muttering your own name exactly 99 times. Seriously. I’m not even joking. That’s all this book contains. It suggests that Hitler himself performed this ritual.

This is obviously a noteworthy magical offering, but I don’t feel much need to comment any further on it. If you think I’ve exaggerated about its contents, read it for yourself – the text is easy to find online.