Dark Rites & Encounters With the Devil – Marcus T. Bottomley

dark rites & encounters with the devil marcus t. bottomley.jpgDark Rites & Encounters With the Devil – Marcus T. Bottomley
Finbarr – 2010

I was going to start off this review by saying that this book is black magic for stupid people, but that wording might imply some kind of similarity with those Complete Idiots Guide to books. No, this is not merely black magic for idiots; it is inherently and entirely idiotic black magic. These “Dark Rites” are unrelated, silly procedures that have no spiritual, philosophical, or logical reasoning behind them. Marcus T. Bottomley is an awful wizard and a bad author. I can and will do better than him:

Sinister Rituals and Rendezvous with Satan by Duke De Richleau

1. If you want a person to fall in love with you, soak their toenail clippings in your urine for a week and then bury them under a bush. You’ll be shagging in no time.

2. If you want to become rich, go into the forest at night and squeeze out a turd on a bed of oak leaves. Smear the feces into a circle, using anticlockwise motions. Stand in the center of the pooey circle until a black cat appears and tells you where his treasure is buried.

3. To ensure that you get the new job that you’ve been interviewed for, eat nothing but baked beans and vinegary chips for 3 days. On the third night, visit a graveyard at midnight. Once you have found a quiet spot in the graveyard, push out a fart into your cupped hand and breathe it in through your mouth. Hold the breath for as long as you can. When finally exhaling your own brown gas, whisper these words:
“Lucifer, I hath paid thy stinky toll. Delivereth unto me the job that I desire. So mote it be!”
If the Prince of Darkness does not immediately appear and provide further instruction, take this as a sign that your breath was not brown enough. Push harder on the next fart and try again.

If you actually go ahead and read a copy of Dark Rites & Encounters With the Devil, you might be surprised at how little I have exaggerated here. Absolutely no effort was put into writing this awful book of absolute nonsense.

Daemonic Magick- Seleneicthon

daemonic magick seleneicthonDaemonic Magick – Seleneicthon
Mi-World Publishing 1987

I don’t buy many occult books anymore. They’re usually overpriced, silly and extremely boring. I have loads on my bookshelf that have never been read but are a little too big or a little too old for me to want to take them to work. (My commute is my only chance to read these days.) While I feel like I’m more sensible than I used to be with money, I still enjoy reviewing this crap. Fortunately for me (and you, my dear reader), there are countless occult texts available online in PDF form. I’m actually starting to prefer this format to real books. It’s cheaper, more convenient, and it takes up less space in my apartment.

The obvious downside to reading PDFs is that the selection, while large, is still considerably smaller than that of printed texts. Instead of hunting down a specific text, it’s more of a lucky dip situation. I download a bunch of stuff and then see what’s included. Some of it is truly fascinating or at least leads to other interesting discoveries, but plenty of it is boring, uninspired shite.

This text definitely falls in the latter category. It’s a grimoire of ceremonial magic, updated for the late 20th century mage. It tells you how to draw magic circles, burn candles and summon “Daemons” to bring you good luck.

Seleneicthon, the author, acknowledges that this crap is all imaginary but insists that it still works. Aside from the rhyming spells of evocation/invocation/banishing, the text is written in modern English. At one point it promises to make the magician feel like “a Magickal Badass”.

It’s called. “Daemonic Magick”, and there’s a picture of a rather devilish fiend on the front, but this book warns against black magic. I know all the old grimoires did that too, but this warning actually seems sincere. Fuck that. When I read a book with a picture of an evil looking Demon on the front, I want malicious, Satanic spells to destroy my enemies!

Whatever though, this was short. It’s a pamphlet rather than a book. Apparently the author wrote several others. I will not be seeking them out.